A Season of Yearning
by Sweet Lu
Summary: Deeks spends a day almost completely silent, causing concern as he pulls away from everyone, including Kensi.


**A Season of Yearning**

...

He wasn't sure why he felt lonely when he had spent the day surrounded by agents and techs and a slew of bad guys, even enduring a few brief and rather tense moments with Granger and afterwards, Hetty. He could sense their concern, and he guessed they were a little confused by his unusual silence that day, Hetty especially doing that thing she does, asking inscrutable questions he hadn't had the patience to answer, not even sure they were answerable. He wasn't lonely so much as melancholy, Hetty using the term 'pensive' when she'd questioned him. Why she cared about his state of mind now, when he got the impression she hadn't all those many months ago after everything that had happened to both him and his partner. He had felt a small spark of anger at her seeming concern, but had doused it quickly, having no interest or energy to even deal with it.

Callen had given him that look of his when he's assessing the honesty of a suspect, but he had simply made an inappropriate comment, which had earned him raised eyebrows and an order to go check out a witness. Sam was apparently unaffected by his mood and had been the only one to laugh at that particular comment, slapping him lightly on the back and making him laugh for the first and only time that day. And then there was Kensi, who had spent the day as silent as he had been, which he'd read as disinterest, but which she had explained as concentrating on the case. He didn't buy it and they had argued, which had done nothing to lift his mood, especially when she'd accused him of acting childish. They had not made any plans for the weekend and he was fine with that, feeling the need to distance himself from all of them, especially his partner. He wasn't sure what was going on between them anymore and he needed to find a place where he didn't have to think about it, preferably outside the city.

He had grown up here and he loved LA, but for the last couple of days everything about it had irritated him—the traffic, the weirdos like the witness he had interviewed, and the hard dreariness of the never-ending streets. Even his favorite surf spots held no joy for him as they usually did, the ocean just flat and boring, so his decision to head out of town was a no brainier as Granger was so fond of saying. Maybe it was the change of seasons as he'd overheard Nell say to Eric, relating her belief that it affected us emotionally and then cheerfully telling him about her family's regular trips to see the fall colors and how much she missed that. He'd never done that. His dad hated trips of any kind, so they never went on vacations when he was a kid, something he hadn't really missed until he'd gone away with Ray's family one summer for a weekend in San Diego. The trip had ended badly, but the experience had opened his eyes to new experiences outside the confines of Reseda. After he bought his first car, getting out of the city became a regular thing for him if he had the money, taking whatever girl he was dating at the time. But he had never gone up in the mountains in a search for autumn colors. It had always sounded a little country bumpkinish for him, the exact opposite of the city life he usually craved. Kensi would probably think it was stupid, not that he cared. A weekend alone sounded therapeutic—no whistles from Eric, no interaction with people trying to shoot him, no worrying about keeping the members of his team safe, not to mention the world, and especially no walking on eggshells around Kensi, trying not to say the wrong thing that might effect their simmering "thing".

...

His mood had lifted with the altitude as he'd driven up to Big Bear Lake. He'd liked the name, sounded masculine, and he was in luck that a cancellation had allowed him to rent a small cabin, giving him the solitude he'd been craving. The isolated place was surrounded by a grove of Cottonwood trees, their leaves a soft yellow, turning vibrant in the sun. He found them comforting, the color somehow warming him and easing his somber state of mind. He spent the morning reading on the deck overlooking the lake, not retaining much, but happy for the distraction of the unbelievable scenarios of the story. They had made him laugh, and that felt good. In the afternoon he had hiked one of the trails that meandered through groves of Aspen trees, their pale yellow leaves fluttering in the light wind and the wide limbed oaks showing off a warm rusty color, their trunks solid and strong. He was tired when he got back, grabbing a beer as he headed out to the deck. He must have drifted off, because the solid knock on the door had him jumping up and instinctively reaching for a weapon that wasn't there. As a cop he had never liked surprises, especially when he was someplace unfamiliar, so he moved stealthily through the small room, his senses suddenly alert as he pulled the curtain back slightly to see who it might be.

"What the hell?" He blurted out as he opened the door on his partner.

"Does that mean you're not happy to see me?" She asked with a hint of nervousness.

"You tracked my phone?" He asked, actually quite pissed by the interruption.

"Are you gonna let me in?" A little anger now evident in her own tone of voice.

"Is something wrong?"

"I could ask you the same thing?" She said, finally putting her hands on her hips and starting to glower at him.

"Nothing that a weekend alone won't help," he said, still blocking her entrance.

"Well that's a shitty thing to say after I drove all this way," she snapped.

"And after you obviously went to all the trouble to track my phone," he said, feeling his anger rising. "Didn't you get enough of that this past week? Or am I the suspect in some federal crime?"

"Callen thought you were acting weird yesterday," she said softly.

"It's my weekend. I don't give a flying fuck what Callen thinks," he said, not even trying to hide his irritation. "And why the hell are you talking to Callen about me?"

"I brought a pie," she said quietly.

"What?"

"It's pumpkin," she said hopefully. "But I guess I can eat it all by myself, if you're not interested."

"I'm not really in the mood," he snapped, unwilling to let go of his anger at her invasion of his private hideaway.

"Fine."

"Good."

"So I'll just drive back then," she said, sounding disappointed.

"Enjoy the pie," he said, and started to close the door.

"What's wrong?" Her voice full of kindness and care, making him hesitate.

"Kens, just go okay?"

"I thought you said partners could tell each other anything?" She said, taking a step across the threshold and putting a hand on his chest.

"We haven't been doing that for awhile," he said, looking past her to a big yellow Cottonwood glowing in the low light.

"Why is that?"

"You tell me," he said, wondering if he really wanted her to say.

"I think we're afraid," she finally answered.

"What do you think we're afraid of?" He whispered, the smell of her hair starting to weaken his resolve.

"Not sure either one of us wants to answer that," she said as she took a step closer, both forearms now on his chest, her hands resting on his shoulders.

"So we're cowards?"

"Probably," she said with a hint of laughter. "Kind of pathetic for a couple of crime fighters."

"Why did you come?" He asked, unable to keep from touching her, moving his hands up the backs of her arms, pulling her to him.

"I was worried about you," she whispered into his neck. "You seemed so sad all day, and when you left work you didn't even say goodnight."

"Is that when you and Callen had your little powwow?"

"It wasn't like that," she said, pushing back from him, her eyes flashing defensively.

"Then how was it?"

"He's the one who tracked your phone," she said. "He called me around noon and told me to take care of my partner."

Deeks had no idea what to say to that and turned and walked back through the cabin and out to the deck, leaning over the railing to stare out at the shimmering surface of the lake. He could feel her presence before her hands pressed into his back, her touch almost more than he could take at that moment.

"So you wouldn't be here if Callen hadn't told you to come," he breathed out.

"That's not true," she said, and he heard the hurt in her voice, matching his own.

"You should go," he said quietly.

"I went to the beach looking for you," she said as she took her hands away, her voice taking on a harder edge as she spoke. "I had no idea where you were, and you didn't tell me you were leaving town, but I wanted to see you...I needed to see you."

"Why?" Asking as he turned to face her.

"Don't you think I remember what happened a year ago, too?" She asked, her words trembling on her lips. "I was the one forced to leave without being able to say goodbye. I was the one, Deeks...I was the one sent off alone with Granger of all people. Not you. Me. Do you know how painful that was? Do you think I can ever forget that day? That day ruined everything, Deeks. Everything."

She was crying when she finished and his own tears blurred his eyes as he gathered her into his arms, needing to comfort her, needing to hold her, to bridge that crevasse that separated them somehow no matter how close they'd become. That day was the day he had lost her, the day she'd been ripped away from him for no good reason and he had no words to deal with it, so he'd retreated into silence one year to the day. So had she, but neither one had acknowledged the common reason for that silence and he wondered why. The separation had broken them somehow and as strong as they remained as partners and as friends, they still feared growing closer. The separation had given them too much time to think, to worry about all the things that might go wrong instead of what might be right if they had just come together and held one another as they were doing now.

"Did we wait too long?" He asked, as he buried his face in her hair, clinging to her, hoping for an answer.

She reached for his face, looking up at him with tear-streaked cheeks, and then pulling him to her as her mouth found his. He tightened his hold on her, losing himself in the warmth and heartrending tenderness of her kiss, one hand entangled in her dark hair, as he slowly lowered them both to the deck. He drew her into his lap as he leaned back against the railing, deepening their kiss as he held her close to his heart. She finally just nestled against his chest and tucked her head beneath his chin, wiping her eyes with trembling fingers.

"Don't make me go," she pleaded, as he stroked her hair.

"I'd be crazy to do that," He said, trying to smile.

"Yeah, you would, cause I brought an incredible pumpkin pie," she said, smiling through her tears.

"Yeah, that's the reason," he whispered, kissing her softly before he cradled her head in his hand and tucked her close to his chest once again.

They sat wrapped tightly together until the sun settled behind the edge of the mountains, silent once again, but no longer alone in their silence. He wondered why they fear this closeness, but the answers were for another day. Tonight was just for the two of them, alone together under the darkening sky.

"I missed lunch," she finally said.

"Pie calling to you?"

"Maybe just a little bit."

"I have ice cream."

"We make a good team," she said as she leaned back to look at him, brushing a wayward strand of his hair out of his eyes.

"No labels tonight," he whispered. "Just two people under the stars..."

"With pumpkin pie and ice cream."

"Perfect together."

"Yeah, we are."

...

...


End file.
